Category Archives: Uncategorized

Monday Morning Meltdown Madness and a Case of the Mopey Mopes

Posted on October 13, 2014 by caverns of my mind

Forgive my excessive alliteration. I sometimes find it to be therapeutic, and I needed some therapy today.

And coffee.

I’m on my second cup and I’m usually just a one cup kind of girl.

meltdown

Apparently I’m not the only one around here who is “in a funk”today  (I’ve always hated that phrase, but it works). The girl usually loves going to school, and she’s never before been sad when I dropped her off, so it seemed to come from nowhere this morning when she held on to my leg, refusing to let go, ignoring her happily hugging classmate best friend. “I want to stay with you. I want to stay with you,” was on repeat from her lips as I tried to figure out my escape. Both teachers tried to help, but we were all shocked as this is just not the usual behavior of Linnea. When I finally made my escape, I held back tears until I got to the car.  What a jerk I am for leaving her, right?  Maybe? Maybe not? I don’t know. These things happen, right?

My guess is that her spending every waking moment with me over the weekend, especially since I was out of town the last two weekends, has ruined her for anything else. Turns out, I’m awesome to hang out with (you know, if you’re four). That’s my theory anyway.

We’ve had a few firsts lately (this and projectile vomiting too), and it’s seriously testing me and leaving me feeling more inadequate than ever. People tell me that’s a normal feeling, but it has me all mopey. I hate to see her so sad. It also has me feeling guilty that I try to accomplish anything else- ever- that doesn’t revolve around her. My life is no longer my own, and that’s still a hard adjustment, because I’m pretty sure it’s not healthy for me to no longer feel like I have an identity, nothing familiar in my own routine. There has to be a way to still be me while stepping into a “mommy” position…right? I thought I’d have that figured out by now.

When your life gets turned upside down almost instantly, you rethink and re-prioritize everything. I do not resent the little girl who needs us, but myself for not figuring this out yet. Then I realize it’s the same thing I keep telling her when she doesn’t get something perfect the first time she tries it (she’s so hard on herself about this): nobody gets anything right the first time; it takes practice and experience, but we just have to keep on trying. How can I expect her to understand this, when I don’t give myself the same benefit?

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Where My Feet May Fail…

Posted on September 30, 2014 by caverns of my mind

My husband and I took a dive into a world we had no experience in, and we did it by the faith that God would be in this with us no matter what, because we feel we are doing what He called us to do. It’s been the most emotional experience of my life. It would be easiest to just give up and stop, but even though we lose sleep and our lives have changed completely, we press on, because the reward is so great.

LOVE. It’s what we are here to do… be like Jesus and LOVE. I know I’m far from being Jesus, but with His help, I can do all things, and if I keep in the right mindset, and in prayer, I trust Him to pull us through this.

Lately, the song “Oceans” by Hillsong United has really spoken to me, so much so that I try to sing along every time I hear it, but my voice cracks and tears fall. I know my husband and I cannot do this alone.  What an exercise in faith this has become.

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No Hablo Español Porque…

Posted on September 5, 2014 by caverns of my mind
Jajaja! Lo siento.

Jajaja! Lo siento.

I took three years of Spanish in high school, and four semesters in college, yet I retained almost nothing, something I now regret as I attempt to relearn the language. But why? ¿Por qué? Realistically, it’s likely because I never found reason to use it earlier in life, and that saying, “Use it or lose it,” truly applies when learning a foreign language. However, there may have been other contributing factors that should fit nicely in the retelling of Drew’s high school experience. After all, she is the fictional version of me (Memoirs of an Ordinary Girl series). Here are some samples:

1- The girl who sat behind me in Spanish the first year, the one who didn’t even know who the current president was during the elections of 1992, sucked it out of me by the vacuum of her empty head. That year I usually made hundreds on all my quizzes, so she attempted to copy my answers.  Once I caught on, I would purposely write the wrong answers, give her plenty of opportunity to copy them down, and then change them quickly before turning in my own work. Maybe playing stupid for so long actually made a more long-term impact of irreversible damage than I was aware.

2-Spanish III could be a whole book on its own.

  • Or teacher was an older woman who had taught elementary school for years and just switched to high school. She talked to us like children. High schoolers do not appreciate that sort of thing, so we began to call her by the wrong name.  To this day I am not certain if she was Ms. Thompson or Johnson. Apparently, she had a much worse class than ours, and after having us answer inappropriate ads from the classifieds of some Spanish language newspapers, it is rumored she had a nervous breakdown and left with no warning after just under two months.
  • We had a substitute for another two months (one who did not know Spanish).
  • My friends and I played card games, such as “Ochos Locos” (Crazy Eights) and listened to Beck’s “Loser” for our Spanish practice during class.
  • During our time with the substitute, we were expected to take a midterm exam. The sub felt sorry for us and left the room during the exam while we all looked up the answers and helped each other cheat.
  • We suddenly had a retired military man as our teacher. He was not sympathetic to our plight.

 

Oh, high school.  You ruined me…or did you just give me fun material for my writing ventures?

 

 

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My Comeback: Day Three

Posted on August 20, 2014 by caverns of my mind

housewife_a

Yes, I missed day two.  I’m okay with that though; after all, I have accomplished much in a short time.  The house is clean (including laundry…and most of it is even folded and put away), the pantry is stocked, the budget from July is caught up and I’m working on August, I’ve made many necessary phone calls (I always put this off anyway because I hate the phone), and I am spreading out my errands and appointments this week.  I think I’m going to make it and I feel like Wonder Woman (as long as I don’t look at how much is still left on my stupid to do list).  I’m getting there.  I’m getting my life back, and the time I have to spend with the girl has been better quality because of it.

And how was her first day of school? She threw a fit when it was time to go because she wanted to stay. Then she was mad because she had forgotten to give her teacher a hug and kiss and demanded I turn the car around once we were across town (no, I did not). When we got home she did not want her lunch.  I felt absolutely defeated by the time she went down for her nap.  But after she got up she was happy and we talked about making the next day better. When I picked her up yesterday, she hugged and kissed her teacher and ran to me with open arms and a smile. Yep, that’s what it’s all about. I may feel like I’m trudging through blindly and feeling overwhelmed, but I’m doing something right.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

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My Comeback: Day One

Posted on August 18, 2014 by caverns of my mind

This will be my fastest written blog post ever…so I apologize for any errors. Today, I begin to get my life back to a routine that allows me to be me again.  I have felt lost for over a month now.  That will happen when you suddenly step into a parenting role with no chance to prepare (please do not think this means I resent what we are doing or my amazing little grand niece…it just means my life changed too quickly for me to keep up and I have to figure that part out now.)

First day of VPK

First day of VPK

Today was the first day of VPK.  It was an emotional drop off, for me, not Linnea.  She handled herself just fine and told me I could go because she wasn’t go to cry or anything. I waited till I got to the car to tear up, suck the snot back up,and take a deep breath,  and then was ok. After all, I only have three hours to clean the house, write a blog post and a grocery list, and go over the budget.  I won’t get to it all today, which is why this is day one of my comeback.  Once I get my life and home back in order I can begin to write again too, which excites the heck out of me because I’ve missed it so. And now I will have the time when Linnea is here to spend with her instead of feeling like I’m breaking her heart when she asks me every five minutes if I can play with her but I have to say no because the laundry won’t wash itself.

Now off to strip the beds and vacuum…

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Because…Life

Posted on July 30, 2014 by caverns of my mind

I don’t want to make excuses. I’m just going to be honest. If you follow my blog regularly, you know I’m not a regularly type writer, but over the last year my blogging has been fairly steady…until recently.  I hate to admit, but I’ve had to put my writing on hold for a short time while I adjust to a new life situation (sure, that’s probably the time I need to write most, but I just haven’t had time).  This won’t last long.  After all, writing is essential for me to function properly. I contemplated giving it up, thinking maybe it just isn’t important anymore, in light of my new role in life. Maybe I could come back to it later sometime, but that’s ridiculous.  I’ve always loved writing, even when I only do it for myself or to work through my emotions.  Since I left teaching over a year ago, I finally found time to do it freely and I cannot give it up now; it’s part of who I am.  It would be like cutting off an arm, and just as painful in a different sense.

What does all this mean, and what am I rambling on about? I’m just stating that the regularity of my posts will come again, though for now, they may be slow and erratic.  I’ll be in Guatemala next week on a mission trip, so no posts will come during that time.  When I return and for a couple weeks following, I’ll be adjusting to a new routine and schedule, but I’ll be back, so check in on me from time to time.  I had also planned to begin writing the next book in my Memoirs of an Ordinary Girl series in August, though I may now wait until September.  I have a few other projects floating around in my head and throughout various files on my computer. This is just a short pause.  I’m not hitting the stop button. I (and Drew) will be back.

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TBT: Till Death Do Us Part

Posted on July 24, 2014 by caverns of my mind

I started a story many years ago. My plan was for it to begin with a romantic wedding and end in a murder… Here’s just a tiny taste:

Blood red, ocean blue, and springtime green reflected on the alter through the beautiful stained glass window.  The “Wedding March” began being played on the huge pipe organ and all heads in the church turned to see the gorgeous, young bride take her last steps as a child into adulthood and matrimony.
 
She was scared and happy all at the same time. Her father gave her a reassuring look as her long, white dress flowed out behind her. She looked radiant with her ivory complexion and dark brown hair. Her bright, emerald eyes searched the onlookers. Then she saw him. Not the man she was about to unite lives with, but the one who had first pleaded she marry him. She had refused and they had not spoken for almost a year.

There’s more, but it all needs work and I have other projects to complete first.

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My Banned Book List: an Update on Living with a Four Year Old

Posted on July 22, 2014 by caverns of my mind

I was an English major in college with an emphasis in literature, so I’ve never really been one to support banning books, but I may have found a book no longer welcome in my home.

It seemed innocent enough…

ban this book

Today, Linnea asked me to read this book at naptime, one I had never seen or read before. It even started out with a child and a dog who grew up together.  I have two beloved dogs, so I thought it would be a cute tale (or should I say tail?- sorry, bad pun).  I should have known early on when it was mentioned that the dog grew faster than the child… but I kept going. I will leave out the devastating details, but will just say I had to pause to suck up some tears (and probably some snot) as I drew close to Elfie’s death.  I didn’t think I would be able to continue after that.  Fortunately, Linnea could not see my face as I read to her, but I had trouble getting the quivering out of my voice.

I guess this book was meant to prepare kids for the death of their dear Rover, Fido, or even Whiskers, and to emphasize telling them you love them while you have them, but I am not ready yet to accept that my two wonderful Australian shepherds will ever leave me in any way, let alone prepared to explain this to my grand niece. A warning on the cover of this book is all I would have needed, but NO, I was taken completely and vulnerably off guard!

I tucked in Linnea, went into the living room with my doggies and hugged and loved on them so much even they wanted me to stop after a while (that NEVER happens).

Just be warned, if you see this book, you should be prepared before reading aloud to any child (or even silently to yourself).

Ok, so it really is a nice book in many ways, but seriously, read it yourself first so you know what you’re in for. Yikes!

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TBT: Fears

Posted on July 17, 2014 by caverns of my mind

So… I wrote this “back in the day.”  I don’t know what day exactly, but I found it with some old stuff, and I’m guessing it’s from my creative writing class in high school (maybe 1994?). A little dark, but I kinda like it. Enjoy.

 

deviantart.com

deviantart.com

Fears

The moonlight shone in the window, casting odd, velvety shadows onto the floor below her bed. The child opened her eyes and watched the full moon outside her window. There was a strange presence in the room. She could feel it, but not yet see it. Quietly, she curled up into the fetal position and pulled the blanket up around her so that only her eyes were exposed.

It was beginning. The shadows below her bed started moving about. The full moon made them do crazy things, evil things that she did not know how to stop. Just leave me alone tonight she thought to herself. Please leave me alone.

They were morphing.  The shadows took on the forms of her three fears: Anger, Death, and Loneliness.

Anger appeared first, a steaming, hot, red object, with the fiercest teeth she had ever seen.  He yelled and screamed about things she did not yet know about or understand. She tried to plug her ears up with her tiny fingers, but she could still hear Anger, as if he were right next to her, or inside her head.

Death suddenly emerged from the dancing shadows below her bed. He was always the quietest one. He just paced back and forth, a long cloak of blackness and piercing red eyes, waiting and watching her. He knew she saw him and she knew he sensed her fear. He had already taken her mother and sister away from her. She felt that she must be next.

Loneliness was the worst fearsome shadow to the girl. He always came after Death had passed. He wasn’t a vivid red, or a dark blackness, but gray. Gray was the most frightening of all colors because it was merely what was left behind when all else was gone. And after Death sucked the life out of people and took them away, Loneliness feasted on the lives of the people left behind. She knew Loneliness, for he both filled and devoured the voids in her heart and soul that Death had left from her mother and sister.

Anger was no innocent though. If it had not been for him, Death would never have known to strike down her loved ones. Anger and her father had brought Death to the house before. He knew how to get the best of her father and made him lose his temper and fall to violent behavior.

Just an accident, she thought to herself. It was all Anger’s fault. He then looked up at her and laughed. The three shadows were lined up and ready to start. The procession had begun. Slowly, they marched from her bedroom to that of her father’s. It was time.

She quickly calculated to herself: If Anger got to her father again, and Death took her, the only one remaining, why was Loneliness there? He would no longer need to antagonize her, for she would belong to Death. Unless Loneliness followed her, even to the grave…

“No! Help!”

Lights. They quickly flittered through her eyelids. “Honey, it was a dream.”

“Mommy? I’m scared.”

“I know, but Daddy isn’t going to hurt you. You, your sister, and I are leaving tonight.”

 

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It’s nobody’s business, but here goes…

Posted on July 16, 2014 by caverns of my mind

After my two most recent posts, I noticed this, my very first post, popping up in my stats again and I had to reread it because I’d forgotten it. God has a sense of humor.

caverns of my mind's avatarcaverns of my mind

There is an imaginary rule book, no, wait- an engraved stone out there that “they” wrote.  Nobody knows who “they” are and nobody questions the rules on the imaginary stone tablet.  Why not?  And don’t you dare go and break one of these sacred rules, or you’ll be viewed as weird or different.  After all, if we were meant to be different, we would have each popped out of our mothers’ bellies with our own individualized rule book in hand.  I, for one, am declaring the need to throw out this archaic book and write a new one!

As young children, we are raised on great old stories of princesses, castles, Prince Charming, and happily-ever-after.  There’s nothing wrong with this idea… I could be a princess, and even pretend as though I couldn’t survive without Prince Charming, if he was charming enough.  I always had a problem with the…

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