Author Archives: caverns of my mind

My 100th Post Celebration

100 posts

Almost two years ago, I decided to begin a blog and I immediately declared it would be a random assemblage of whatever I felt like writing about when I felt like writing.  The result?  A random blog with a small following.  What happens is that I’ll pick up followers who think my blog is about…whatever, but then I write about somethingelse two days later. Weeks could go by before I even mention whatever again, or I might just move on to thatotherthing. I understand this is frustrating to people searching a specific theme, but my theme is following my whim of what to write about, so loyalty is harder to come by.  Honestly, I know if I focused on one thing I’d gain a larger following, but I wouldn’t have nearly as much fun as I do just being myself, which is really the whole reason I started doing this anyway.

I just glanced over my posts from the beginning and am proud of my well-roundedness.  I began with my reasons for not having children and moved into my support of adoption and my loathing of human trafficking;  I admitted my inability to ever be perfect, voiced my frustration of being a teacher, reflected on two mission trips, and wrote a week-long series about my dogs;  I posted odds and ends of stories and poems (old and new), including book teasers, and shared my reactions to 9/11, the Sandy Hook shooting, and the Boston Marathon bombing; and I more recently shared my deepest feelings in moving on from the teaching profession.  So there is no theme.  The theme is a chronicle of my life as only I can tell it.  I enjoy my blog in a way no one else ever will, and that’s ok, because I write it mostly for myself.  I love it when people stop in to read, but I’ll keep on writing it just the same even if nobody else ever takes another glimpse.  It is my therapy.

Now, just as Pinocchio dreamed of being a real boy, my book Memoirs of an Ordinary Girl: The Middle-ish Ages is now a real book.  I couldn’t think of anything better to help celebrate my 100th blog post.  It’s still an ebook on Amazon, but now it’s also available in print through CreateSpace and Amazon.  I will be able to hold my baby as soon as it arrives in the mail.

If you think you might also want to hold my baby, but you’re just not sure of the risk in paying for it, check it out for free on kindle this Labor Day weekend at this kindle site.

If you do read it, let me know what you think.  I’m working on the sequel now.

Resting in the Moment

Very recently I alluded to being in a place now where I am trying to find my “greater purpose,” or my path for the future.  This is why I left teaching.  I felt there was something more for me.  And now I’m not really doing much of anything, which is strange, because I’m always doing something.  I thought the recent mission trip to Guatemala would somehow open my eyes immediately, yet though it was an amazing trip, I may have put too much on that alone, instead of seeing it as part of something.  I’ve been inwardly reflecting on my lack of purpose more lately as I see my former colleagues heading back into the teaching trenches.  I feel they, and many other people in my life, are watching me and expecting that either I will find this “greater purpose” and it will be amazing, or that I will fail and return to teaching.  I still feel I left for the right reasons, which leaves the amazing purpose as my only option.  So why don’t I feel like God has revealed it to me yet?

After I dropped off Robert at work yesterday, this song came on the radio.

And it hit me then.

One thing I need more of in my life is patience.  I think I am on the right path, but in this moment I need to rest.  It’s not that nothing is happening, but I cannot always see that it is and I get frustrated.  So this song is my prayer, that God will give me peace in the moment as I wait.  It will happen in His timing if I continue to wait on Him.  As long as I was teaching I was not ready to move forward. That had to be cut, or pruned, from my life, and it’s still a fresh change, so maybe God is still preparing me.

As I walked back in the door of my home I also remembered a card I had hanging on our refrigerator from Kenneth Copeland Ministries that I had put there when we were struggling through Robert’s unemployment.  The message had been about Resting in the Blessing.  Part of it is written as a message from God and when I read this again it brought me comfort.  I knew there was a reason I always keep these things.

“Come on up here.  Now sit down with Me.  Sit down here on the throne with Me.  Everything is going to be all right.  My angels are at work.  THE BLESSING is working for you.  Just sit down here.  Take your rest.  Take it easy.  Everything is in good shape.  The walls are up.  My power is in operation.  Now just take your rest.”

I leave this as my final prayer

Psalm 25: 4-5 (NIV)Psalm 25:4-5

Show me your ways, Lord,
teach me your paths.
 Guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior,
and my hope is in you all day long.

The First Day of School

Judging by the Facebook posts this morning, it seems to be the first day of school in most places around the country, including right here in my town, which means it would have been the first day of my eighth year teaching.  But I am no longer teaching.  I wrote all about that difficult decision already, but I knew when the year ended that this would be the time where it would hit me the hardest, since I would have had my summer off anyway.

I woke up almost three hours later than I would have for school this morning and I feel great.  I still feel I made the right decision.  Now it’s all about the decisions I make from this point on.  I left for a reason, and I’m still fuzzy on the specifics, but it’s time to start figuring that out, to find my “greater purpose.”  I miss my students and my colleagues, but I’m enjoying the return of my sanity, having time to spend with my husband, and taking care of the house and my doggies.

Good luck to everyone!

Take Nothing for Granted

I spent last week on a mission trip in Guatemala building two houses and feeding and loving children.  What an experience!

They let me play with power tools- photo by Shanna Fortier

They let me play with power tools- photo by Shanna Fortier

I think the only way to process through something like this is to take small parts at a time, so I’m starting with the home building because that’s how our work week started.  Our large team was split into smaller groups so we would have room for getting work done.  On the first day I was on the shopping team, so we got to consider the needs of the family and shop to help furnish the home…the 12′ x 16′ home (I believe I have the measurements correct).  A bunk bed was already being provided, so we purchased a table and chairs (plastic), sheets for the bed, a broom, a trashcan that could be securely closed outside the house, and food basics for a month (as well as some cookies and flavored milk drinks for the two young kids), toothbrushes and toothpaste (brought to our attention as a need from the previous team’s trip).

Pastores hill

This was the beginning of the incline to the second build site in Pastores…the paved and less steep part.- photo by Matt Rinaldi

On the second day, I got to be part of the build team, after hiking up a steep hill in the high altitude we were not used to.  Since these houses are not very big, we can build them in one day on a concrete slab previously poured.  They are made out of corrugated steel, have two windows, and a front door.  To us, they appear to be one room sheds.  To many people in Pastores, Guatemala who are living below the poverty line, they are answers to prayer, protection, security, and fresh starts.  You should have seen the tears of joy in the faces of the homeowners when we did the house blessings at the end of each build, and felt their arms embracing you as a thanks.

Now, to put this into perspective.

A view of the "neighborhood"- photo by Shanna Fortier

A view of the “neighborhood”- photo by Shanna Fortier

As I sat on the couch last night, in front of my big screen TV, I glanced around at my surroundings.  I’ve been in this house for over nine years now, so I don’t always remember to really look at it.  But I did last night, and I asked my husband Robert, who was also in Guatemala with me last week, the size of those homes.  We contemplated the size of the homes we built and the size of the “liveable” or air conditioned space in our own home and realized we could fit nine of them in our house, not including our screened-in back patio and two-car garage.  Our house is by no means big by the standards of the US, but our master bedroom, not including the walk-in closet or enormous (and recently remodeled- see previous post “Serenity Now”) bathroom, is the size of those houses.  And here I am always wanting to do this to my house, or do that to my house.  Now I just feel happy that my toilets are inside and flush.

I don’t want to make anyone feel guilty for having a nice home.  If we put it into perspective it isn’t quite fair to do that as cost of living and lifestyle should be based off where you are… but here in the United States, we are truly blessed, and I just want to help people to be more thankful for what we have here.  Take nothing for granted.

Getting out of Myself

At this time of year I’m usually absorbed in getting myself ready to teach another year of high school, but if you’ve followed my past blog posts you know I will not being going back this year, so that’s freed me up a bit.  Instead, I’ve been filling my time with home improvement projects and giving a new life to my book.  What this all amounts to is that I’ve been home alone and wrapped up tightly in my own cocoon of me.  This is the introvert Terri.  She cares deeply about others, but if nobody checks on her, she tends to lose track of the world and just sort of fold up inside herself.

Ok, I’m done referring to myself in the third person.  I just wanted to try it out for a bit, but it’s going to get creepy if I take it any further.

Thankfully, I’m about to experience a takeover of my attentions, and I really need it.  Next week I’m going to Guatemala on a mission trip.  I will be building houses, presenting vacation bible school activities to children, and hanging out with a team of 16 other people, and getting very little time for my cocoon, and I’m glad for that.  I love cocoon time, but now it’s time for me to reach out and love others.  I cannot wait to see what God has planned.

If you are interested in seeing what our team does while on the trip, follow us at www.arkpages.com/goguatemala2

I may or may not be posting to this blog while I’m there.  It depends on the demands on my time and how well wi-fi works where we will be staying.  If I don’t post for a bit, check out the above link, to which I will definitely be posting, as it is one of my roles on the team to update the team’s blog.

Madonna-ing My Book

MADONNA-b-620x250

It has often been said that Madonna is the Queen of Reinvention as she has managed to reinvent herself time and again, continuing to hold her original fan base and finding a way to grab newbies.  This means she learns how to take on a new approach in image and audience, and I need to do the same.  I need to Madonna.

That’s right.  I just made a celebrity into a verb.  I can do that sort of thing because I’m a writer.  Shakespeare made stuff up all the time.  Comparing myself in any way to Shakespeare may seem like sacrilege, but that’s part of my point.  Reinventing myself means I may need to add a little sass and sauciness (as the bard would say) to my approach.

Don’t worry.  I don’t plan to strap black party hats onto my bosom and vogue or anything, and in fact that would be quite inappropriate for my target audience, but I’m going to be bold and reach out with a new confidence to them.  As far as I can tell, adults are the ones who have been reading my book, which is great because of its nostalgia factor, but the feelings and emotions of the book are better suited for current middle school girls, which keeps my book more relevant to them than adults.  This also means they are more likely to want to pass on a recommendation to others, since it is more impactful to them, thus keeping my book in the spotlight.

Of course, I don’t really hang out with a lot of girls in middle school, so I need help from those adults to pass the info on to daughters, cousins, young sisters, neighbors, random kids in the grocery store- whatever.  That’s part of being bold: asking people to spread the word, like asking you to share this link with someone you think might enjoy my book Memoirs of an Ordinary Girl: The Middle-ish Ages.

Another part of reinvention is that my confidence in my product must be obvious. Drew Hotchner is one of my favorite young women ever, even if she is a fictional character, and I’m proud of the witty voice in my book, so I need to create awareness of this, probably by sharing short excerpts or one-liners, like the one a friend of mine brought to my attention that other day as one of her favorites:

“After all the time that had passed with Danny and I flirting and calling each other, I was still no closer to making him my boyfriend than Milli Vanilli were of singing their own songs.”

See, that’s good stuff, so I’m going to start tweeting, facebooking, and tumbling this stuff until I’ve completely Madonna-ized my book by giving it the attention it deserves.

Rant and self pep talk complete.  I feel much better.  Carry on.

Serenity Now!

Once upon a time, nine years ago, my husband and I bought our house with the anticipation that we would slowly renovate it to fit our grand vision.  We stripped wallpaper and painted.  We extirpated carpet and tiled. Lots of that sort of thing. Slowly it came to fit our dream, some parts more slowly than other parts, and in all honesty, we still have a few rooms to go.  In all of this, the largest and slowest endeavor both physically and emotionally was our master bathroom.  This bathroom is a symbol of patience and not giving up, no matter how hopeless something seems.

I wish I'd gotten a picture before I destroyed the old wallpaper.

I wish I’d gotten a picture before I destroyed the old wallpaper.

A few nights ago, we slept in our master bedroom for the first time in the nine years we’ve been in the house.  Being able to do this was contingent upon completing the bathroom because of the mess renovation can cause.  We figured any mess going on in the bathroom would come out into the bedroom and decided we would wait until the bathroom was complete.

Why yes, the tile is a peachy-pink!

Why yes, the tile is a peachy-pink!

First I stripped the peachy and flowery wallpaper (I despise wallpaper!) almost as soon as we moved in.  We picked colors and I painted the bedroom and bathroom to match.  Then we realize the bathroom needed more than just a new color. For an example of why we needed to pretty much gut the whole thing and start fresh, we had a seven foot countertop with just one sink.  About six years ago we ripped out the old tile, the bathtub, and the countertop with single sink.  Then we realized we needed to replace the walls around the bathtub because they had become moldy.  A few years later, because we only had limited time together to work on such a major project, we reframed an enormous bathtub and retiled the room.  Somewhere in that time I had found an amazing deal on the most beautiful red glass vessel sinks (two of them) with antiqued bronze fixtures.  Then not long after that, Robert suddenly found himself with more time to work on the bathroom, but that was because he had lost his job, so we had no money to work on the bathroom, leading to a two year hiatus from the project.

We seriously ripped the room to bare bones and started over.

We seriously ripped the room to bare bones and started over.

At the start of June, we had an entire week together and a renewed bathroom fund and completed another huge part of the project- placing bamboo flooring on part of the walls and the ceiling. After that week we built our own vanity for the sinks over whatever days Robert had off from work.  Last week, the project came to fully ripened fruition, and it looks like a spa resort according to some of our friends’ comments.

But all the time, those six years, that we struggled just to get tiny parts of the whole project completed were trying times.  We would get one project done and see a need to do something we had not thought of before.  Sometimes it felt like we would never get it done and I thought we might just have to cut corners in order to finish.  Fortunately, we never did that.  We held on to our vision and through massive amounts of patience and diligence, we got it done, finally.  So, the old adage is true- good things do come to those who wait, and wait, and wait…

Our serene spa bathroom

Our serene spa bathroom

My Communication Breakdown

I don’t believe there is such a thing as “sudden-onset” telephonophobia, but it happens slowly over time, and it happened to me.  (Actually, I thought I was just making this up, but I found an interesting little article covering the irrational fear of phone use- can’t tell if this is a real thing or not, but it proves others are curious about it)  You see, over time I have grown and nurtured an aversion to traditional telephone use.  I cannot pinpoint when it happened, but I went from being a lover of phones to an avoider of phones.  The irony is that in today’s world, at least here in the US, many of us are dependent upon our phones, but not for their traditional use of simply speaking to someone…unless maybe we could find an app to do that for us.

Back in the day I could talk on a phone until both ears hurt.  I’d stretch the phone cord as far as I could in order to get comfortable and settle in for a long conversation.  These were even the days before caller ID.  If the phone rang, you answered it; you didn’t even think about it.  Now if my phone rings, which fortunately it does not often do, I look first to see who is calling, and if I see the dreaded “unknown caller,” I refuse to answer, as if the person can somehow hurt me through the phone.  If that stranger thinks he of she has business with me, a voicemail message must be left.  I will screen it and decide if I deem the caller worthy or not.  I think this all stems from telemarketers.  There came a time when the only calls that ever came to our home phone were from people trying to sell kitchen knives, weight-loss miracle drugs, or magazine subscriptions.  We got rid of the home phone.

Sadly, I am ecstatic that I finally memorized my husband’s cell number.  He’s had that particular number for over three years now, and I just got to where I know I can dial it from memory if my phone should ever happen to die or get lost.  I used to have all my friends’ numbers memorized because I actually had to physically dial them and I could visually see the numbers on a key pad.  Now there are any number of ways, depending on how smart our smart phones really are, that we can dial people, but it rarely involves punching any numbers into the keypad.

But these days, I want some freedom, so I text.  Other than driving (NEVER text and drive!), so much can be done and multi-tasked while texting, that I cannot imagine all the time I wasted in my youth concentrating solely on a phone conversation.

All this came to mind because I was recently thinking about an old friend, my oldest friendship actually- the one I used to talk to for hours at a time- and I decided we needed to reconnect…on the phone.  Because I dislike phones so much, it is hard to get past that even when it’s for a dear friend.  I tend to make all sorts of excuses in my mind to not make a phone call.  It’s ridiculous really.  So, to hold myself to it, I scheduled a day and time (an appointment) to call her, figuring I’d be more likely to hold myself to it if I wrote it on my calendar.  It worked too.  I called her at our agreed upon time and we spoke for well over an hour, just like old times, and it was wonderful!  I might even work up the nerve to do it again sometime.

A totally non-related moment here, but when I was trying to find out if phone phobia was a real thing, I came across this little bit of irony, and I love irony:  “Sesquipedalophobia” is the fear of long words.

My Sole Soul Mate

Today is my husband’s 35 birthday and I wanted to do something special to show Robert how much I love him, but I’d already put this together last winter, and it still speaks perfectly of my love for this wonderful man. Happy birthday Robert! I’m loving growing old with you, yet never growing up.

caverns of my mind's avatarcaverns of my mind

hands

With the passing of Thanksgiving I’ve really been assessing how and why I am thankful.  One of the most essential parts of my life, and one for which I am truly thankful, is also one I often take for granted: Robert, my husband, the love of my life.  After 12 1/2 years of marriage, I realize I fall in love with him more all the time.  If you’re doing the math and have read my previous posts, you’re probably wondering how a woman who just turned 29 (for the 7th time) could possibly have been married for so long. I must have been a baby.

Seriously, I don’t know what either of us were thinking when we decided to get married at 21 (Robert) and 22 (me- yes, I’m the “older woman” by nine months).  I was graduating from college one day, and two weeks and a day later, I…

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The Top Three Reasons Why People Read the Books They Read

stack-of-books

I made it my most recent mission to find out the top three reasons people are drawn to read the books they read.  After all, I figured uncovering this information would give me insight as to how I can get my book out there and read by the masses. (Here’s one subtle hint… read Memoirs of an Ordinary Girl: the Middle-ish Ages– nah, subliminal messages are not in the top three, but check it out anyway!)

1) Someone recommended it, perhaps over and over again

2) You read at least one other work by the author and swore you would read everything else this person ever wrote

3) You were just browsing, but the cover and title of the book looked awesome

By the way, I did absolutely no solid data gathering or official research for this, so you are warned, but you’re also thinking, That’s a good list.  Maybe I should see what else she has to say.  She is obviously quite smart and beautiful.  So maybe I added the last part, but keep reading anyway.  My list was carefully constructed by my own experiences as a book nerd and by observations of other people.  I love observing other people… but not in that creepy, restraining order kind of way.  No worries.

Back to number one (by the way, these are in no particular order of importance).  There are many ways a book may be recommended to you.  Perhaps a friend read the book and just knew you would love/relate to it.  The name of the book just kept popping up everywhere you went, on everything you watched and in everything you read, and critics loved it.  Maybe you know or once knew the author and wanted to either be supportive or to find something wrong so you could knock him or her down a peg, finally!  In rarer instances, you may have found yourself forced into it (school assignment or a gun to your head).  But the bottom line is that recommendations do work, so I know I need to work on my marketing with word of mouth or buy a gun.  I’d rather go with the first (and I know some hippie tree hugger is going to find my sense of humor off on the whole gun thing, but then that person really needs to lighten up and go eat some granola).

Number Two.  I know from experience (and all the posts I see on Facebook, which are sure to be good research) that once I read something I love, or sometimes even just like, I suddenly want to read everything that person ever wrote.  Sometimes this leaves me feeling hollow inside and disappointed to the point of tears (I read the entire Twilight series because I was a high school English teacher and I wanted to see what was warping the minds of the girls in my classes, but please don’t tell anyone. I still have nightmares about sparkling vampires), but it’s usually a good investment of time.  And then, of course, a good book series (not Twilight) can pull us in to the point that we’re just not sure what we will do with our lives once we’ve read them all.

And then number three (hold on, let me scroll up to see what I wrote for that).  Ah, yes, the book cover.  “You can’t judge a book by its cover” is a load of poop.  We all know if the cover looks boring we do not want to read the book.  It’s a really nice idea to use for learning to get to know people before we make decisions about them, but there are way too may books out there waiting for me to read them to waste my time reading them all.  If I find myself in a situation where I do not already have the next book I want to read or I’m at my local public library that hardly ever has anything on my want to read list, I browse.  If the cover gets my attention, that’s a good start.  Then if the title is intriguing, I will read the back of the book or the book flap.  If I’m not hooked, I’m not going to read it.

So, there you have it, my not-so-scientific research list of why we read the stuff we read.  If you don’t agree, come up with your own list.