Category Archives: Reflection

Eyes Full of Wonder

I see wonder and love in your large, cornflower blue eyes- the eyes outlined in rings of midnight blue. I can’t help but speak in color terms from a Crayola box because that captures who you are…as you always say, “Colorful.” Your anticipation of seeing and doing something new, the possibilities of adventure, yet the need to hold my hand bring a smile to my soul. What an honor to be part of your wonder and learning, and to have your love.  We watched a sunrise sky streaked with shades of purple, violet, lavender and pink in the blazing hues of orange (yellow- orange, orange-yellow, burnt orange, and vivid tangerine) while yellows shot out from the edges of clouds, and the start of a new day brought me hope for all that is new and wondrous in your world and all those eyes will see.

No Hablo Español Porque…

Jajaja! Lo siento.

Jajaja! Lo siento.

I took three years of Spanish in high school, and four semesters in college, yet I retained almost nothing, something I now regret as I attempt to relearn the language. But why? ¿Por qué? Realistically, it’s likely because I never found reason to use it earlier in life, and that saying, “Use it or lose it,” truly applies when learning a foreign language. However, there may have been other contributing factors that should fit nicely in the retelling of Drew’s high school experience. After all, she is the fictional version of me (Memoirs of an Ordinary Girl series). Here are some samples:

1- The girl who sat behind me in Spanish the first year, the one who didn’t even know who the current president was during the elections of 1992, sucked it out of me by the vacuum of her empty head. That year I usually made hundreds on all my quizzes, so she attempted to copy my answers.  Once I caught on, I would purposely write the wrong answers, give her plenty of opportunity to copy them down, and then change them quickly before turning in my own work. Maybe playing stupid for so long actually made a more long-term impact of irreversible damage than I was aware.

2-Spanish III could be a whole book on its own.

  • Or teacher was an older woman who had taught elementary school for years and just switched to high school. She talked to us like children. High schoolers do not appreciate that sort of thing, so we began to call her by the wrong name.  To this day I am not certain if she was Ms. Thompson or Johnson. Apparently, she had a much worse class than ours, and after having us answer inappropriate ads from the classifieds of some Spanish language newspapers, it is rumored she had a nervous breakdown and left with no warning after just under two months.
  • We had a substitute for another two months (one who did not know Spanish).
  • My friends and I played card games, such as “Ochos Locos” (Crazy Eights) and listened to Beck’s “Loser” for our Spanish practice during class.
  • During our time with the substitute, we were expected to take a midterm exam. The sub felt sorry for us and left the room during the exam while we all looked up the answers and helped each other cheat.
  • We suddenly had a retired military man as our teacher. He was not sympathetic to our plight.

 

Oh, high school.  You ruined me…or did you just give me fun material for my writing ventures?

 

 

My Comeback: Day Three

housewife_a

Yes, I missed day two.  I’m okay with that though; after all, I have accomplished much in a short time.  The house is clean (including laundry…and most of it is even folded and put away), the pantry is stocked, the budget from July is caught up and I’m working on August, I’ve made many necessary phone calls (I always put this off anyway because I hate the phone), and I am spreading out my errands and appointments this week.  I think I’m going to make it and I feel like Wonder Woman (as long as I don’t look at how much is still left on my stupid to do list).  I’m getting there.  I’m getting my life back, and the time I have to spend with the girl has been better quality because of it.

And how was her first day of school? She threw a fit when it was time to go because she wanted to stay. Then she was mad because she had forgotten to give her teacher a hug and kiss and demanded I turn the car around once we were across town (no, I did not). When we got home she did not want her lunch.  I felt absolutely defeated by the time she went down for her nap.  But after she got up she was happy and we talked about making the next day better. When I picked her up yesterday, she hugged and kissed her teacher and ran to me with open arms and a smile. Yep, that’s what it’s all about. I may feel like I’m trudging through blindly and feeling overwhelmed, but I’m doing something right.

Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Philippians 4:13
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

My Comeback: Day One

This will be my fastest written blog post ever…so I apologize for any errors. Today, I begin to get my life back to a routine that allows me to be me again.  I have felt lost for over a month now.  That will happen when you suddenly step into a parenting role with no chance to prepare (please do not think this means I resent what we are doing or my amazing little grand niece…it just means my life changed too quickly for me to keep up and I have to figure that part out now.)

First day of VPK

First day of VPK

Today was the first day of VPK.  It was an emotional drop off, for me, not Linnea.  She handled herself just fine and told me I could go because she wasn’t go to cry or anything. I waited till I got to the car to tear up, suck the snot back up,and take a deep breath,  and then was ok. After all, I only have three hours to clean the house, write a blog post and a grocery list, and go over the budget.  I won’t get to it all today, which is why this is day one of my comeback.  Once I get my life and home back in order I can begin to write again too, which excites the heck out of me because I’ve missed it so. And now I will have the time when Linnea is here to spend with her instead of feeling like I’m breaking her heart when she asks me every five minutes if I can play with her but I have to say no because the laundry won’t wash itself.

Now off to strip the beds and vacuum…

My Banned Book List: an Update on Living with a Four Year Old

I was an English major in college with an emphasis in literature, so I’ve never really been one to support banning books, but I may have found a book no longer welcome in my home.

It seemed innocent enough…

ban this book

Today, Linnea asked me to read this book at naptime, one I had never seen or read before. It even started out with a child and a dog who grew up together.  I have two beloved dogs, so I thought it would be a cute tale (or should I say tail?- sorry, bad pun).  I should have known early on when it was mentioned that the dog grew faster than the child… but I kept going. I will leave out the devastating details, but will just say I had to pause to suck up some tears (and probably some snot) as I drew close to Elfie’s death.  I didn’t think I would be able to continue after that.  Fortunately, Linnea could not see my face as I read to her, but I had trouble getting the quivering out of my voice.

I guess this book was meant to prepare kids for the death of their dear Rover, Fido, or even Whiskers, and to emphasize telling them you love them while you have them, but I am not ready yet to accept that my two wonderful Australian shepherds will ever leave me in any way, let alone prepared to explain this to my grand niece. A warning on the cover of this book is all I would have needed, but NO, I was taken completely and vulnerably off guard!

I tucked in Linnea, went into the living room with my doggies and hugged and loved on them so much even they wanted me to stop after a while (that NEVER happens).

Just be warned, if you see this book, you should be prepared before reading aloud to any child (or even silently to yourself).

Ok, so it really is a nice book in many ways, but seriously, read it yourself first so you know what you’re in for. Yikes!

It’s nobody’s business, but here goes…

After my two most recent posts, I noticed this, my very first post, popping up in my stats again and I had to reread it because I’d forgotten it. God has a sense of humor.

caverns of my mind's avatarcaverns of my mind

There is an imaginary rule book, no, wait- an engraved stone out there that “they” wrote.  Nobody knows who “they” are and nobody questions the rules on the imaginary stone tablet.  Why not?  And don’t you dare go and break one of these sacred rules, or you’ll be viewed as weird or different.  After all, if we were meant to be different, we would have each popped out of our mothers’ bellies with our own individualized rule book in hand.  I, for one, am declaring the need to throw out this archaic book and write a new one!

As young children, we are raised on great old stories of princesses, castles, Prince Charming, and happily-ever-after.  There’s nothing wrong with this idea… I could be a princess, and even pretend as though I couldn’t survive without Prince Charming, if he was charming enough.  I always had a problem with the…

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Created to Serve

We all have our ideas of what we want to do, and God has His ideas of what He has called us to do.  These are not always the same ideas.

I’ve felt for some time now that God wanted me to serve Him in some sort of mission/ministry project (preferably in the area of fighting human trafficking or rehab for the survivors).  And I was right…except for what that mission/ministry was going to be.  My heart has been prepared for loving “the least of these” and I’ve learned about sacrifice over the last four years. I let go of what I felt was holing me back and have been waiting for a year now for God to “reveal my path” as ministry-type people like to say.  I’m co-leading a short-term mission trip to Guatemala in three weeks, and I’ve been on a few of these trips before, so I figured when it became a full-time gig, I’d be ready.

Now I know God’s calling in my life, “my path,” so to speak, at least for now, and it isn’t what I was expecting.

I have suddenly found myself in the position as a caretaker of a four-year-old girl who is not incorrect in believing she is a princess, because she’s a child of the King of kings. She’s not an orphan in the traditional sense as she does still have a mother who loves her, but for now, and we do not know how much longer, my husband and I are filling in.  We knew it was the right thing to do, and I knew God had put us in the place we needed to be in so that we could take her in, but I still didn’t realize this was the ministry He had called us to do, the path He chose for us until I read chapter 29 in The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren.  The first line written by Warren in the chapter simply reads, “You were put on earth to make a contribution.” Our purpose is not just to suck up everything around us and what others give us, but to make a contribution, a difference…to DO SOMETHING. Ephesians 2:10 says, “[God] has created us for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for us to do.” Wow. This means God prepared me to be a part of raising my sweet little grand niece. He knew she would need me and chose me for this very special ministry. He also chose my husband to be part of all this. According to Romans 8:28, “…God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them,” and so it is now evident that all the pieces have come together as they have for this purpose.

I feel blessed that God chose us for this important mission/ministry of being Linnea’s caretakers, for however long it turns out to be.  But I’m human, and I have my low moments where I feel God should have picked people who are more experienced than we are, and I worry I’ll never have time to get all my previous responsibilities taken care of now because a little girl takes up a lot of time and attention. I think about all the things I want to be able to provide for her, and look at our budget with tears in my eyes. I selfishly long to have time to read and write again, and I feel a bit like I’ve already lost who I am, my identity.

And then I remember that God has it all under control because He planned this and chose us.  The only experience we need is knowing how to love and how to pray. I’ll find my balance of time management; it’s only week two, and I didn’t have time to prepare, so it just might take a little while. Yes, she takes up time, but it’s time well spent and I love it. God always has and always will provide for our needs. Just as I will learn to manage the time I need for accomplishing the mundane parts of life’s responsibilities, I will begin to learn how I can carve out time for reading and writing, because writing is a gift God gave me, and He wants me to be able to use it.

These are a few of my favorite things

These are a few of my favorite things

If any of my readers are believing, praying people, please keep us in mind when you do pray. I know the highs and lows will continue, as that’s part of life, but we’ll need encouragement and wisdom for sure.

 

It’s a Girl!

I didn’t have a baby, but I am finding myself suddenly in a mommy role. That is my explanation of why I haven’t been and probably won’t be posting much new material here for a while.  I may just share some old stories and poems until I work out a routine that allows me time to write again.

It’s a sudden life change, and where most people have 9 months to prepare for a child, my husband and I had exactly 9 days. I won’t go into the details of what has brought my adorable 4-year-old grandniece (remember, that doesn’t mean I am old!) to live with us, except to say that we will will be taking care of and raising her for a period while her mom works to make a better life. I’m actually quite proud of her right now, because sometimes doing the right thing is the hardest thing, but I guess that is the same for Robert and I at this point too.

We certainly shocked many people with the sudden addition to our household (including the dogs who are really trying to figure out why this small person makes weird noises) because we have lived child-free for 14 years of marriage and had declared it was the life for us.

But sometimes…life happens, and you feel called to do something that seems crazy, because you NOW know God has been preparing you for it (even though I still feel wildly UNprepared), and because she’s family, and because she needs a safe and loving home, and even though you have little experience in these sorts of things, you just know it’s what you’re supposed to do.

Ugh- I’m rambling.

This is my world now, for an indefinite time.  What a challenge we have before us, but we’ll learn.  The weirdest part so far is people in stores assuming I’m her mommy.  I’ve never been a mommy figure to anyone but a couple silly dogs.  And now I suddenly have a pink room in my house. Sigh.

Dylan looks about as freaked out as I am, but he also loves her, and so do I.

Dylan looks about as freaked out as I am, but he also loves her, and so do I.

 

You Can [should] Never Go Back

Some people say you can never go back. I can’t imagine why anybody would want to anyway. Still, there are ties in our lives that will bind us forever to our pasts, and I just knew I could never completely sever mine.
 
I was twelve when I moved to that dreadful little town. Out of all the places we could have moved to, my parents chose an obscure town tucked in the foothills of Virginia. It wasn’t really a bad town. It just wasn’t me. I had dreamt of a city to live in, or at least a suburb where I could peddle my bike up and down the road and go for walks around the neighborhood with my friends, up and down the sidewalk. What did I get? A house five miles outside of a town that seemed no bigger to me than a small village as seen only on TV… you know, the weird freaky towns on the Syfy network. I was born and raised in California, only to experience the biggest culture shock of my entire existence.
 
We got rid of my bike. There would be no smooth surfaces for riding where we moved. And forget sidewalks. When the roads aren’t even paved, what’s the use of a sidewalk? Nothing but gravel and steep hills from that point on. How was I going to cope?

 

This comes from the opening (after my prologue- or disclaimer) of my first book about Drew Hotchner (Memoirs of an Ordinary Girl: The Middle-ish Ages), a girl who just happens to be a version of me, and so as my husband and I drove towards Front Royal, Virginia on our vacation a bit over a week ago, these were the lines running through my head.

Trivia- Florntayor, the name of the town in my book, is actually made up of the scrambled letters from Front Royal, the town where I actually did live.

Trivia- Florntayor, the name of the town in my book, is actually made up of the scrambled letters from Front Royal, the town where I actually did live.

 

Writing these books means reliving my past to some degree.  Sure, the books are fictitious, yet based on some truth, some actual people, and some real places and events.

There must have been something about that little store and bad weather and adventure, because once we got out of there with our Fudge Rounds and sodas, ominous clouds formed on the horizon. Nothing was going to stop us though. We were having a picnic! So onward we continued. “So, what do we do if it rains?” Emily asked us.
 
“It won’t rain. And if it does, so what? We’ll just have to get wet,” Adrienne teased her sister. Shortly after, we found a secluded place under the trees, on an empty lot by the river. We spread our food around and began snacking.
 
Sitting on a fallen tree limb, I felt something wet hit my nose. “Uh, I think it’s starting to sprinkle.”
 
“Yeah, I felt it too,” Emily agreed.
 
“A little bit of drizzle won’t hurt you,” Adrienne replied.
 
“No, but a whole bunch of drizzle might,” I yelled as the rain suddenly tore through the sky and began to fall in sheets. The tree covering was of little help, as the rain only hit harder once it had a chance to collect on one leaf before it dropped in heaps. Frantically, we picked up all we could and started running. Adrienne was wearing her prized leather jacket and didn’t want it to get ruined in the rain, so she turned it inside out and wore it home like that. As it turned out, we later discovered that we had left behind the crackers nobody wanted, and every time we visited that spot thereafter, there they were, though the box faded over time from exposure to the weather. It became a silly inside joke.
-Memoirs of an Ordinary Girl: The Middle-ish Ages
 
Several references are made in each book to this little store.  I was a bit surprised to see it still exists, but not so surprised that it rained when we got there.

Several references are made in each book to this little store. I was a bit surprised to see it still exists, but not so surprised that it rained when we got there.


Another discovery I made on this trip was that where there had once only been five houses on my old road, with only three of them actually inhabited by humans, there is now a total of ten houses, and all but one appear to be lived in. The most dilapidated of all was finally gone.

My first encounter happened while walking to the bus stop one morning. Since it was fall and an early morning, fog hung suspended in the air along and across the road. Two rarely visited and quite run down summer homes sat on my road, their dead eyes of windows staring at one another from either side. One of these houses, the faded and sickly yellow one, probably should have been condemned as I’m sure other than the rodents and snakes that lived in it, the shell of a house was unsafe for much else.
 
But on this morning a strange creaking sounded from behind the should-be-condemned house, and some angry squirrels chittered and ran in all directions. I heard a slam and saw the shadowy figure of a boy slinking up the hill from the rear of the house, wading through the thick fog. He reached the edge of the road just as I was passing that spot. He was about a foot shorter than me, and though I’m bad at guessing ages, I figured he was a sixth grader or so. He avoided eye contact with me, picked up his Star Trek decorated backbag and began to practically goose step down the road in front of me.
 
What the heck had this weird kid been doing in that house? And why was his hair cut like Spock’s?
-Memoirs of an Ordinary Girl: Fresh-meat Year
 
I do not think this house met the same fate I wrote for it towards the end of my book, but it is certainly now gone.

I do not think this house met the same fate I wrote for it towards the end of my book, but it is certainly now gone.

Throw Back Thursday: An Empty Space

My parents both come from fairly large families, yet growing up, there were a consistent few family members outside my immediate family that I really saw, and my Aunt Georgia and Uncle Bud were two of them (I called them Juju-Bud; I am uncertain as to the spelling because I couldn’t spell yet when I called them this… obviously, I could barely talk). My Uncle Bud passed away nearly twenty years ago now.  At that time, I wrote a poem for my Aunt Georgia.

An Empty Space
Losing someone special
leaves an empty space.
Suddenly what filled your heart
is missing from this place.
 
It seems that even when
something new enters your life,
that void in your heart
continues to cause you strife.
 
And the dear one who is lost
you can never replace.
But you always have the memories
of what once filled this empty space.
Terree L. Klaes 1995
 
I wish I had a picture of them together, or something cute from when I was little with them.  My mom has some, I'm sure.

I wish I had a picture of them together, or something cute from when I was little with them. My mom has some, I’m sure.

Almost a month ago now, my Aunt Georgia passed away.  It had been years since I had seen her, but I suddenly had memories of holidays and trips to Disney as a child, which revolved around time with my Aunt Georgia and Uncle Bud.  I now dedicate this poem to the both of them, my Juju-Bud.