I collected more of these horrific research paper quotes while I taught tenth grade English (the advanced kids, mind you) than I realized. It looks as though I’ll have to create one more post of them after this one. Enjoy. Again, students will remain anonymous and I will include my original commentary from when I posted these quotes on Facebook.A paper on why the legal drinking age should be lowered: “They would not need to drink a lot for fear they won’t drink again for a reasonable length of time, they can drink every night if they wanted so they don’t need to get unreasonably wasted.” If these people under 21 feel they “need to drink,” I think we really NEED to send them to AA now. And how long is the reasonable amount of time one should expect to go without a drink? A few sentences down: “Similarly, the younger you start, the better you learn.” I should have started drinking when I was younger. I’d be an expert by now and these papers would be so much more bearable. “In addition to drinking in high school another reason the legal drinking age should be eight teen [this statement after the entire paper has said it should remain at 21] is that alcohol can cause much damage not only to the brain but the brain too, physically and mentally.” Too late for this one? Seems the author has some damage already. “After all many consider the main reason that the alcohol consumption age should be twenty one.” So, is she missing naming the main reason, or are people just considering it in a sort of broad way? “In the event that alcohol is consumed at an early age many problems can occur. The brain does not fully develop until the early twenties.” Now I feel like she’s just making excuses for this paper. I have a rule that I will not grade a research paper if the kids do not prove their work to me as we go through the process. One kid decided to turn in a paper anyway, though he had shown me nothing the whole time. Out of curiosity, I checked the word count and it was 393 words out of the 1500-2250 required. Really? Why bother at all when I told you I wasn’t going to grade it anyway? You could have spent that 10 minutes playing video games or something. “True facts state…” Uhhh… what other types of facts are there? Confusing research paper quote of the evening: “On the other hand, those not capable of working at the time being soon cannot leave that lifestyle, and somewhat ‘forget’ how to function without assistance.” Anyone? I need some assistance. “Multiple statistics show that the earlier age one starts drinking alcohol at the more apt they are to become alcoholic later in life.” A simple placement of “an” in front of alcoholic would completely change this sentence for me, but now I have to assume if one starts drinking early in life, he/she will eventually become alcoholic in composition. You are what you drink? “To stop these illegal stays in the border security should be more difficult to slip past.” Yeah, I don’t know what it means either, nor do I believe the student who wrote it knew what he was saying. From a paper written on why the U.S. should be stricter on immigration and make it harder for people to achieve it legally as well: “Maybe a example of the laws being too lenient is that were US citizens that can not speak english. We allow people who don’t speak our native language into the US…” Uh, Dude, I think you make a good case for checking to see if our native born citizens can speak (or write) our native language. Maybe if we could kick out those, we could make room for legalized citizens because, sadly, they usually know a heck of a lot more about our country than many naturally born here. “With this law, a majority of African Americans, Hispanics, Mexican, and etcetera will face consequences because of their color and ethnicity.” Written about the immigration law in Arizona and the fact that illegal immigrants can be sent home. “Many Americans don’t holey agree with stem cell research and they have seem to have a reasonable argument that supports their thinking.” I wholly have seem to have become confused. The conclusion of a paper all about dress code: “It is stated by 65% of drug addicts that are still alive and or have not gotten over their addiction that they wish they would have known what they know now and one person in their life would have told them not to do it and kept pushing them away from it.” “This also means that if the person was going to die in fourteen years anyway, he or she may die before executions, and then he or she can kill without the worry of execution, even if they were not going to escape in the appeals courts anyway.” “…in one year 6.2 million students drop out between the ages of 16 and 24.” So it would appear that 24 year-olds are high risk high school students, I guess. The following three quotes all came from different parts of the same paper, so you’ll notice a theme: ”It already troubles lawyers trying to satisfy the practice in court as normally only the defendant and the dead person knows exactly what happened, and this takes away from any chance of a miracle recovery.” Indeed, that recovery would be QUITE a miracle! “The patients who become killed feel better and the family members and friends get over the death more quickly.” My personal favorite: “Many people want to give up their lives because in doing so they also give up organs that came straight from a living person instead of a person who not to long ago was dead.” Kids these days are just too obsessed with zombies. Quote of the day: “But teenager always ten to surprise people when it comes to getting activities done, so it can get seceded.” By the way, in the context of the paper, “seceded” was meant to be “succeeded.” I know both are bad, but I thought I’d throw that out there in some sort of defense. However, I wish this paper has seceded from the rest. “In the modern age, some subjects receive more scrutiny and debate than others. This includes the salaries of sports stars possibly being too great, the ethics of cloning animals or even people, and the toleration of animals and, mostly, people. This last topic in particular often draws purely black-and-white statements and general discretion, as many opinions and points of view exist on the subject.” Down with the toleration of people! Geography has been sadly neglected in education these days. “As a basic example, one of the main issues in countries such as Asia, Africa, and other countries, states how conventional food production will feed the expanding population.” “Drugs and sex make for a very healthy responsible adult!” Fortunately, a rough draft. “Overall, students need a health class within their years of high school, so that they could learn to prevent themselves giving into temptations involving sex, drugs, and other factors that guide a student into developing into a healthy, responsible adult.” Again, happy it was a rough draft. Oh boy! Looks like I’m going out in style today: “Umbilical cord stem cells may have have have to wait for new technology before equality to embryonic stem cell, but technology has already advanced other types of stem cells.” Have have have you proofread your work lately?
Look for more quotes in a few weeks.